If you try to tell me that I'm the only person who poses in front of the mirror and practices what she's going to say to people in imaginary scenarios I will call you liar. Everybody does that. They've got to, because otherwise I'm crazy and I really wouldn't like that.
You get ready for a job interview by practicing your confident smile in the mirror. You practice your flirtatious lines before a big date. You practice your "fuck you" smile just in case you run into that one girl you've always kind of hated. And everybody has tried to raise one eyebrow at a time.
Okay, so maybe I do it a little more than other people. I imagine entire conversations in advance so I can have my retorts all lined up and ready to go. It never goes the way I think it will so that usually leaves me gasping and grasping as the conversation veers out of the scripted territory. Still, I do this a lot.
So tonight I'm imagining a conversation and try a casual remove-glasses-hair-toss-spin-glasses-like-a-super-model, but doesn't quite work. This is how it goes: Remove glasses. Flutter eyelashes. Toss hair. Begin glasses spin. Say, "Absolutely!" On the "lute" syllable the glasses go flying out of my hand and sail across my bathroom to fly directly into the toilet with a sad little plunk.
Two points, nothing but net.
I screamed. It was the horrified inhaled scream you do when you realize you've screwed up big time, but you know by the time you've got the air to really scream it won't be appropriate anymore. It's one thing to pose in front of the mirror. It's totally different to stare a pair of glasses bobbing in a toilet bowl and scream.
I fished the glasses out, cleaned them. Then I cleaned them again. Right now they're sitting on my counter while I contemplate spraying them with kitchen sanitizer. And bleach.
If there is a moral to this story it is this: always put the toilet seat down when you're going to be silly in front of your bathroom mirror.
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